Defensiveness can be the death of a relationship. There are few things more frustrating than having a partner who gets defensive the moment you dare to speak about anything that might be upsetting to you. Do you know what I’m talking about? It sounds something like this:

Jody: Honey, can we talk about the other night?

John: What? What’s wrong now? Jeez—are you EVER happy?

Jody: I haven’t even said anything yet. Why are you getting so upset?

John: Because I already know it’s going to be something about what you don’t like. I haven’t even done anything. Forget this--I’m going to the gym.

Ugh, I’m getting frustrated just writing about it! For anyone who has been on the receiving end of defensiveness, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. The other person is either defending what they did, explaining to you that they didn’t really do what you said they did, accusing you of being too sensitive or turning the entire story around so that you look like the one who was in the wrong. Sound familiar? By the end of the conversation you’re either wishing you had never said anything or wondering if perhaps you were the one in the wrong.

Let me help relieve your sense of sanity for a minute. If your partner becomes defensive about feedback you’re giving them—they are off. Defensiveness stifles growth and shuts down relationships, period. Do not begin to question yourself just because your partner gets what I call BIG. When someone becomes defensive, in essence they are puffing themselves up and going on the attack, thinking the best defense is a great offense. People use this technique because...it works. It gets people off their back and they don’t have to look at their own behaviors. Unfortunately, it only works in the short run. In the long run, the damage is very costly.

If you struggle with defensiveness, you need to learn the art of humility. Who are you to think you would never make a mistake? We all make mistakes—that’s what makes us human. When your partner has the courage to tell you that they’re upset with you, step up and have the courage to listen. Listen with humility. Listen for truth in what your partner is saying and have the strength and integrity to cop to it and repair it.

Making mistakes does not ruin relationships. Refusing to be accountable for the mistakes we make absolutely does ruin relationships. The reality is that defensiveness gets people off your back temporarily. Your loved ones will eventually begin to stop sharing their upsets with you. They will no longer tell you when they are hurt by your actions. They eventually will truly get off your back – and then you will need to worry.

CHALLENGE: When people in your life dare to be honest with you about their upsets, dare to be mature enough to hear them. Practice humility and remember that we all make mistakes along our journey. Mistakes are human. Refusing to acknowledge and learn from them is a weakness that will hurt you in life and relationships. Dare to step up and be accountable—it’s freeing for you and healing for your partner.

Sally walked into my office, sat down and sighed, “I’m so resentful. It feels like I’m always angry, but I can’t figure out why.” She then proceeded to tell me:

• Her husband had been out until 2 am for the third weekend in a row. When she asked why he came home so late, he said he was having fun with his friends. She did not say anything more because she didn’t want him to become upset with her.

• Her friend asked her to come over and help her paint for the third week in a row. Sally was exhausted, but didn’t want to say no. When Sally asked her friend to help her with some computer questions she had, her friend said she would love to, but she’s just too busy – something she often said when Sally would ask for help.

• Sally’s mother called to get advice about her father. When Sally asked her mother for some help, her mother did what she always did—she steered the conversation back to herself and ignored Sally’s requests.

After hearing story after story about Sally’s life, I informed Sally that the reason she is so resentful is because she is not getting her own needs met. She’s so busy taking care of the needs of others that she’s getting angry that no one (including Sally) is watching out for her needs. When we don’t take care of our own needs—we get resentful.

Stan had a similar story. Stan was quiet, reserved and had a gentle nature. He was happy to help those in need and tried his best to be a good husband. Unfortunately, Stan thought being a good husband meant doing whatever it took to make his wife happy. After years of giving in to his wife, Stan found himself angry and resentful.

Many people get caught in the trap of trying to be nice and avoiding an argument. We tell ourselves it’s no big deal, let it go, be the better person, etc. The problem is, we can only let so much go before it builds up and comes toppling down on us in a fury of anger and resentment. Although there is a time and place for letting things go, we need to remember that there’s also a time for stepping in and fighting for what we need. Relationships are meant to be about give and take. If one person is constantly giving while the other person frequently takes, that is a recipe for resentment.

Resentment often occurs either when we don’t speak something or we speak it, but don’t get resolution around it. If you’re finding yourself angry and resentful about something, chances are you’re putting the needs of others above your own. Are you doing something you don’t feel comfortable doing? Are you trying to have an amicable relationship by taking care of your partner’s needs yet not holding them accountable to take care of yours? If you are getting resentful, you’re most likely waiting too long to speak up. If you’re speaking up, but nothing’s changing, chances are you’re waiting too long to stand up and take action, such as setting a limit.

Healthy relationships cannot be healthy if they are one-sided. The only way they will be mutual is if you stand up for yourself, speak up for yourself and respect yourself enough to accept nothing less than you give.

CHALLENGE: Take a moment to assess your relationships across the board. Does it seem as if you’re often the person going the extra mile for others yet few return the favor? If so, check in with yourself and your level of resentment. Often it’s only a matter of time before the resentment kicks in. If you’re already feeling resentful, take a step back and get clear about what it is you’re not saying. If you had no fear about what might happen if you spoke up, what would you say? Begin to speak up in small circumstances to strengthen your voice.

Lisa Merlo-Booth

Many couples have to deal with the reality of one or both partners traveling for work. Frequent travel can be stressful on the couple as well as the entire family unit if there are children involved. Below are a few tips to help couples minimize the stress of this typically stressful dynamic:

Tips for the traveling partner:

When you are home—be present: it’s one thing to have to travel a lot, it’s an entirely different thing to travel a lot and then come home and be constantly working. When you are home, be sure to incorporate a technology-free zone into your nighttime rituals with your spouse and children. I struggled with this for a long time until I realized my children were beginning to pull away from me. It took me quite a while to get them to warm up to me again—by being present emotionally and physically.

Before you go on your trip, give extra attention to your family. The weekend before, spend a day having fun, playing a game or going out on a date. Don’t allow the trip to just sneak up on you—plan ahead. If you travel weekly, incorporate a ritual into the travel so your children and partner have something to look forward to. I typically leave each person a tender sprinkle on their pillow before I go (a personal note with a loving message) and pick up a little something for when I return.

Call every night to check in. I’m shocked at how many couples barely speak when one of them is away. You need to stay connected—call and check in. If you have children, call to say good night. If you can’t call, send them a text or e-mail (your partner can read it to them if they’re too young to read it themselves). You are never too busy to check in, so don’t use that as an excuse.

When you return, thank your partner for taking care of everything and everyone while you were gone. Do not take them for granted. It’s a lot of work taking care of the household and children—appreciate it. Know that your traveling impacts those around you (with or without kids).

Tips for the non-traveling partner:

If you want something from your partner—ask them. Don’t complain every time they go and moan about them having been gone when they return. If you would like them to reduce their travel, ask them. You need to realize what you are willing and not willing to accept around this issue. Once you decide to accept a certain degree of travel, accept it with a good spirit.

Welcome your partner home. There’s nothing worse than being gone for several days, walking into your home and no one even says hello. Stop what you’re doing and greet your partner with a hug and kiss. If this feels crazy, chances are you and your partner are already distant. Pay attention to this distance so you can get back on track.

Whenever possible, be willing to travel with your partner and enjoy a great trip.

Traveling can be hard on couples if they don’t pay attention to the little touches. Don’t get into bad habits. It’s best to start with ground rules from the beginning so everyone knows what to expect. If one partner begins to feel resentful about the traveling, both need to sit down together and discuss it. Both partners need to be willing to periodically evaluate how the travel is going and what, if any, changes need to be made. If you both tackle the traveling issue as a team there will be less resentment and less stress. Remember you’re both on the same team. Put your heads together and determine what steps you need to put into play for your family. Continue to reassess and readjust as necessary.

CHALLENGE: If your family is impacted by travel, look over the tips above and choose which ones you need to implement. Begin to implement them and see what happens. Good luck and let us know how it works!

Lisa Merlo-Booth

Beribadahlah ke jalan Allah untuk mencari ketenangan jiwa dan tanda kita mensyukuri nikmat pemberian-Nya. Manusia bersedih, putus asa apabila ditarik nikmat, namun ia dugaan memperkukuh iman. Nafsu manusia tidak mungkin berhenti pada satu noktah kepuasan dalam mencari kesenangan. Setelah menikmati nafsu yang pertama, dia memburu nafsu kedua lalu yang ketiga dan seterusnya tanpa henti melainkan dengan izin Allah SWT.

Apabila dia tidak dapat mencapai hasrat nafsunya, dia pun bersedih dan putus asa, menangis dan meratapi kenikmatan yang hilang padahal Allah SWT menahan nikmat itu bukan kerana Allah bakhil tetapi Allah amat menaruh belas kasihan kepadanya. Supaya dia tidaklah dilalaikan dengan nafsu kerana nikmat yang dicurah selama ini, nyata membuat hatinya keras dan semakin terseleweng dari jalan Allah. Dunia yang dilihat semata-mata nikmat padahal mengandungi ujian berat bagi mereka yang sedar. Allah SWT berfirman yang bermaksud:

“Dan janganlah kamu tujukan kedua mata mu kepada apa yang telah kami berikan kepada golongan dari mereka, sebagai bunga kehidupan dunia untuk kami uji mereka dengannya dan kurnia Tuhan kamu adalah lebih baik dan lebih kekal.” (Surah Taha ayat: 131).

Setelah memahami hakikat bahawa diri kita tidak pernah puas dengan apa yang dikejar, akhirnya kesedaran itu lahir daripada jasad yang telah lelah, hati yang gelisah dan jiwa yang terdera oleh kesibukan mencari nikmat. Seseorang tidak akan sampai kepada ketenangan jiwa melainkan dirinya berada pada suasana ibadat sepanjang masa. Seluruh perbuatannya dilakukan kerana Allah, bersama Allah dan untuk Allah ketika mencari nafkah, bergaul dengan manusia bahkan dalam perkara mubah sekalipun hendaknya kehadiran Allah sentiasa dirasai.

Orang mukmin juga mempunyai hawa nafsu, dia tidak pernah terlepas daripada pergolakan nafsunya. Kadang-kadang dia menang dan ada kalanya dia kecundang, begitulah sifat manusia yang memang lemah dan amat memerlukan petunjuk dari-Nya. Jika Allah SWT mengasihi orang mukmin maka Dia menunjukkan jalan untuk mendekatkan diri kepada-Nya. Dibukakan aibnya sedikit untuk sekadar ingatan dan diujinya dengan musibah sebagai peringatan. Kemudian dituntun hati orang yang dikasihi-Nya ke lembah hijau tempat ranumnya iman, demi mengubati kegelisahannya itu dicurahkanlah mata air jernih ilmu dan makrifat, ditolong supaya hamba-Nya itu bangkit mengabdikan diri kepada-Nya. Begitulah rahmat Allah SWT kepada orang mukmin.

Adakalanya setiap mukmin merasai kerasnya hati, malas beribadah dan longgarnya rasa pengawasan Allah ke atas dirinya. Semua itu pasti dirasai sesiapa yang bermujahadah di jalan Allah. Sepatutnya kita bersyukur kerana cepat mengenal diri saat terlangar larangan Allah atau terlupa suruhan-Nya. Kenal dengan sifat-sifat dosa dan maksiat yang mencemari hati. Kemudian berusaha mengganti kelalaian itu dengan semangat ibadah dalam kehidupan. Rasulullah SAW bersabda:

“Bertakwalah kepada Allah di mana pun kamu berada, ikutilah perbuatan buruk itu dengan kebaikan sesungguhnya kebaikan akan menghapus keburukan dan bergaullah sesama manusia dengan akhlak yang baik.” (Hadis Hasan Riwayat Al-Tirmizi).

Semangat ibadah sentiasa timbul dan tenggelam di jiwa mukmin, untuk memastikan seorang mukmin tetap istiqamah perlu dihadirkan suntikan motivasi yang mencergaskan jiwanya untuk beribadah kepada Allah SWT.

Ibadah tanda mensyukuri nikmat.

Kita sering melipatgandakan ibadah pada masa tertentu kononnya Allah memberi rezeki yang banyak atau kejayaan dalam bidang diceburi, maka kita amat bersungguh-sungguh mengingati jasa Allah. Menjemput saudara mara ke doa selamat, membaca Yasin, sembahyang berjemaah, memberi makan anak yatim dan bersedekah. Malangnya ada manusia apabila tidak menerima nikmat daripada Allah, mereka hilang semangat beribadah.

Padahal nikmat Allah tidak semestinya berupa harta benda, kejayaan dan kecemerlangan hidup bahkan nikmat yang paling bernilai adalah dijauhkan kita daripada musibah yang menimpa kita, anak-anak dan keluarga. Jika setiap hari kita mendengar berita jenayah, tidakkah kita bersyukur kepada Allah kerana terhindar daripada musibah dengan perlindungan-Nya?

Orang yang memahami hakikat bersyukur akan menemui di dasar hatinya bahawa tiada nikmat yang lebih besar selain menjadi orang mukmin yang diredai Allah SWT. Kerana itulah kita bersujud dan menuai amal salih setiap masa kerana jasa baik Allah ke atas kita. Rasulullah SAW bersabda ketika bersembahyang tahajjud di bilik Aisyah walaupun kaki baginda sakit, baginda bersabda:

“Afala uhibbu an akuuna abdan syakuran?”(Hadis riwayat Imam Al-Bukhari Muslim)

Ibadah tanda percaya janji Allah.

Kitab-kitab yang menerangkan fadhilat ibadah wajib dan sunat sudah banyak diringkaskan daripada kumpulan hadis-hadis Nabi yang sahih, doa-doa Nabi yang maktsur juga menjadi keutamaan kerana ganjaran yang dikhabarkan. Ia diharapkan menjadi berita gembira yang didahulukan khabarnya di dunia, tanda kecintaan Allah kepada hamba-Nya dan Maha benar Allah atas segala janji-janji-Nya. Apabila hati keras dan jiwa menjadi malas, ubatilah ia dengan bacaan Al-Quran dan hadis sahih yang mengandungi unsur pujukan dan motivasi untuk mempertingkatkan iman dan amal kita di sisi Allah.

Ibadah tanda mengutamakan Allah.

Apapun kesibukan yang membelenggu orang mukmin, hatinya tetap milik Allah. Tiada yang lebih penting daripada menjaga apa-apa yang diwajibkan-Nya dan juga amalan yang sunat. Apabila waktu berhibur dan bermain berlebihan berbanding waktu beribadah dan bekerja hendaklah disoal hati yang lalai itu mengenai siapakah sepatutnya yang lebih diutamakan?

- Penulis ialah Mufti Perlis, kini menjadi tamu pusat kajian Islam di Universiti Oxford, United Kingdom

A common problem I hear with many of the couples I work with is DISTANCE. One or both partners report having grown apart, no longer having anything in common and losing that proverbial “spark”. As we get more into the story, it’s evident that most of their interactions have become mundane. They wake up, get the kids ready, go to work, come home tired, eat dinner, put the kids to bed, settle down to TV, books or chores and then go to bed only to wake up and do the same thing all over again.

In between these little events is often criticism, critiques, whining, sighs and other more negative interactions. As couples, we tend to grow comfortable complaining about our days with one another. As the years pass, we forget that often, sparks don’t happen without a match. We hope, wish and even beg for the spark to happen, magically thinking that if it were meant to happen it would. Unfortunately, the more we wait, the more we complain, the greater the distance and the less frequent that spark becomes.

If you want to get that spark back, stop waiting for it to happen and instead, make it happen. Surprise your partner with a ticket to a play, dinner to a romantic restaurant, a trip to an adventurous getaway etc. Ask your partner to do something different. When your partner asks you to do something different—dare to say yes. If you like walks and your partner likes bikes—offer to go for a bike ride. Surprise your partner with a bubble bath and flower petals on the bed. Do something—anything different.

Be spontaneous and daring. We would never dream of saying no nearly as much when we are first starting a relationship as we do after we’ve been in one for many years. Being comfortable is one thing, being boring is another. If you want to get that spark back, be willing to strike the match.

We can easily get caught in a rut that can slowly suck the life out of our relationship if we’re not careful. Relationships take time and attention to stay on track. Stop wishing for the spark to happen and pay attention to the heat (or lack of). One spontaneous, romantic gesture can give a rusty relationship a huge boost. Take the chance to go out on a limb now and get the spark to light. Keep doing small, spontaneous acts for a prolonged period of time and see what happens.

CHALLENGE: Keep your eye on your relationship and don’t take it for granted. If you’re caught in a rut, get out of it. Think about three options you and your partner could do that might bring back the spark. Dare to do them.

By Lisa Merlo-Booth

Is your relationship mediocre or toxic? Many people know when their relationship isn’t as good as they would like. They realize there’s something missing, yet they think most relationships are missing something. Where people get stuck is in realizing when a relationship isn’t ideal versus when a relationship is toxic. Here’s a quick list of signs that your relationship may be toxic:

1. There is any type of physical abuse going on in the relationship. If there is any physical abuse going on (hitting, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, slapping, etc.) then your relationship is TOXIC. This is true even if the abuse happens only twice a year. What you need to know about this is that abusers will abuse no matter who they are with—it’s not about you. It’s about the abuser. The bottom line is that abusers rely on others to allow their abuse.

2. One partner is having an affair (or multiple affairs) and is not willing to give it up. When you stay with a partner who’s having an ongoing affair, it is toxic to your system. You start questioning your own attractiveness, you begin to hate the fact that you “can’t” seem to leave and you begin to cling to your partner out of desperation. Your fear of losing your partner results in your accepting all sorts of unacceptable behavior. The ripple effect of your staying in this situation is self esteem issues, depression, lack of self respect and even physical/health problems.

3. One person has an active addiction that s/he is unwilling to address. If your partner is an addict, they are not home. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is never emotionally present. When someone is always high or drunk, they are not present. Get yourself to Al-Anon.

4. One partner is a rager. If your partner frequently explodes when they don’t like something, they are toxic--even if there is no physical violence occurring. Being in a relationship with a rager is like living in a war zone. You become hyper-vigilant to their moods so you can manage your behavior in a way that won’t set them off. Your heart rate speeds up, you become anxious and you often live in fear of the next blow up. This is trauma, not a relationship.

5. Your partner often speaks to you with contempt, judgment and disdain. If you’re in a relationship with someone who dismisses what you say, talks down to you and seldom takes responsibility for their actions—you’re in a toxic relationship. If you often feel small, less than, dumb or inconsequential in their presence, yet you don’t normally feel these things in the presence of others, it’s likely you’re in a toxic relationship.

If any of the issues above are happening in your relationship, your relationship is not just mediocre, it is toxic. Either address the issue head on and insist your partner get help or move on if they refuse. Living in a toxic relationship will chip away at your life and your health one day at a time. No-one and nothing is worth that. Don’t ask your partner to get help, tell them that if they don’t, you can’t stay. Then you get help yourself to see why you’ve stayed in a toxic relationship for so long and to ensure you don’t repeat the same mistake in the future.

CHALLENGE: If any of the above behaviors are going on in your relationship, realize that you do have the power to create change—by yourself. Step in and address the issues directly. There are a number of services available to help you through this toxicity. If you choose not to use them, realize that any excuse you give for not making changes, is just that—an excuse. Good luck and know that you deserve to be in loving relationships that fuels you. Get out of the toxicity!!!

1. Setiap kali bertemu, senyuman tidak pernah lekang di bibirmu.

2. Sentiasa bersama si dia ketika susah dan senang.

3. Lebih mementingkan kebahagiaannya dari diri kamu sendiri.

4. Sentiasa membuatnya ketawa dengan senda guraumu.

5. Memasak makanan kegemarannya dan makan bersama.

6. Sebelum tidur, sentiasa ucapkan selamat malam kepadanya. Biarpun ringkas, namun cukup bermakna.

7. Menghadiahkan sesuatu yg cukup bernilai padanya di hari ulang tahun nya.

8. Berjaya menambat hati keluarganya.

9. Meluahkan isi hatimu melalui lirik lagu atau puisi yg menyentuh perasaan.

10. Berubah dan kikis semua sikap-sikap yang dia tidak suka.

11. Sentiasa memahaminya apabila si dia minta ruang untuk bersendiri.

12. Tidak pernah memalukannya dengan menjaga tingkah laku yang baik.

13. Sesekali, berikan kejutan yang menggembirakannya.

14. Setiap kali kamu dan si dia berdepan dengan masalah, kamu tidak mudah melenting dan marah.