*Full of Life*

Repeat after me....

Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses

Did you get that? If it didn't sink in please repeat till it does.

If you are on the outside looking in, it looks like paradise. A husband looking into his wife's eyes, holding her, kissing her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Yes it looks good. You figure it will be nice to have someone whos yours, to tell you he loves you, to hold your hand, to laugh and joke with, to keep you company, to support you, to share secrets with, to just BE with.

Oh and for some, to have someone who just showers you with gifts and money. Why not? Suzie's husband just bought her a 'brown' new flat in Lekki and see Happiness, her husband suprised her on valentine's Day with a sport car. Weeeeee! Marriage is sweet oh! It shows he loves her so much. Me I go love oh! (Please why do people say that. It sounds so....wrong)

The reason we have people who have experienced life before us is to learn from their experiences. How can we keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Yes. if you didn't know, nothing happening now has not happened before. The way they happen may be different, but the basic story is always the same.

A friend asked her friend how married life was and she responded, "Marriage is overrated!' Several bloggers complain about their marriages in anonimity. People are getting emotionally and physically abused all the time. Spouses are bored and unfaithful and divorces are on the increase.

Before you decide to take that vow...OPEN YOUR EYES.

WRONG REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED

I'll summarize a book I read ages ago by Barbara DeAngelis.

DON'T GET MARRIED

....because you are under Pressure (aka don't listen to your mother!). No one is going into the marriage with you. Guess who has to deal with it all? Yes you.

....out of Desperation (aka don't be a desperado). Everyone has standards, if you value yourself, if you have some self-esteem, you won't compromise. Now its a whole different story if your standards are unrealistic.

....because of Sexual Hunger (aka everyone gets gragged). Its a cycle, it will pass.

....because of guilt. Just because you have been with someone for years or you owe them for something they did for you does not justify marriage. Neither does being pregnant.

....because you are not happy with your life. Worst thing you can do. Address your issues first, and be happy with your emotional and spiritual life before trying to be with someone else.

....because you need someone to provide for you - financially, emotionally, spiritually. Your happiness will depend on the actions of someone else.

LOVE IS CONFUSING

This word called Love. Since Love is so hard to explain and is different for so many people, I'd rather say what love isn't.

Love isn't lust. You can be attracted to several people, some even intensely. Because a certain someone has cute eyes, or a sexy body or Matthew Mcconaughey's dimples..(you haven't noticed? WHAT? Sacrilege), this doesn't mean you are in Love.

Love does not happen overnight. Bobo sees Sisi across the room in a club filled with people shaking their thing(s)...imagine, all the way from across the room and yet there was that connection. His eyes caught hers, theres something there. It was meant to be! No, thats not all it takes.

You don't have your 'ONE' true love waiting for you somewhere obscure.

Love is not all you need. Yes I know that Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman stood at the top of a building and screamed 'ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE'. Tsk tsk Moulin Rouge. You need more.

SO WHAT SHOULD ONE LOOK OUT FOR

Spot those Fatal Flaws... There are several examples in the book including incompatibility (for some- religion etc), lack of sexual chemistry and compatibility (sexual dysfunction), past emotional trauma, addictions, character flaws (anger, emotional problems, control freak), and co-dependency. Don't try to rescue anyone, you are not a Saviour.

Spot the Deal Breakers...if you don't like smokers, don't date/marry a smoker. Simple as that. There are things you just can't deal with and when you are married these annoying characteristics will only annoy you more. Don't go into a relationship/marriage expecting the person to change. Some people have deal breaker lists which they verbalize to their significant others (when the time is right of course...I envision a lass clearing her throat and reading out a long list as the credits of the movie roll by). Be subtle.

Make a list of what you want in a partner. It makes sense to know what you want rather that to blow with the wind. You can use this guage your compatibility. Are you compatible spiritually, emotionally (open, comminucates, handles conflict well etc, attitude) , socially (out-going, reserved etc), sexually, physically (smokes or not, keeps fit etc, hobbies), financially (financial goals, ambition, debt etc).

A list is one thing, real life is another because nobody is perfect, no one is going to meet 100% of your criteria, you have to give room for that. A lot of times people make lists of what they want but don't actually have most of the qualities they are looking for. Its important to constantly work on yourself too.

MARRIAGE IS WORK

So with Love and compatibility present, two people coming together as one is a wonderful thing. One final thing is Commitment.

Weddings are beautiful, people all around you planning, planning, planninnnggg and then celebrating, then honeymooning. Then its over! Back to reality. Time for the marriage to really begin. Its you and your man - for life.

This is where all the lessons begin and hopefully if you lay the foundation right, you both will be able to deal with both the great times and the not so great times.

Anymore additions?

Courtesy of TaureanMinx

A: Acquire a Strong and Positive Attitude

B: Break Out of Your Shell

C: Characterize Your Hero

D: Demand Respect For Your Standards, Yourself and Your Beliefs

E: Energize Yourself Everyday With a Goal of Making a Difference

F: Failure to Plan, is Planning for Failure

G: Go Big or Go Home

H: Humility is Power

I: Itemize Your Qualities and Seek your Strengths Not Your Weaknesses

J: Jealousy Will Always End in Negative Not Positive

K: Keep your Momentum, Never Stop, Keep Moving!

L: Live Your Life

M: Magnify Your Opportunities

N: Nothing is Better Than the Truth

O: Okay, You’ve Failed, Now Get Back Up!

P: Position Yourself in Positive Environments

Q: Quality Over Quantity

R: Realize Problems and Quickly Fix Them

S: Stick to the Purpose

T: Treasure All Your Friends, For They’re Your Most Prized Treasures

U: Understand That All Things Have a Purpose

V: Visualize Success and Don’t Be Afraid to Fail. You Miss 100% of The Shots You Don’t Take.

W: Work Hard If You Expect Success

X: X It Out! You’re Better Than That

Y: Yes, is Not Always the Answer. Learn to Say No!

Z: Zoom into Reality, and Zip the Fluff

It's easy to be positive when times are good but when it seems that everything in life is not going well and you truly run into difficult times and situations, keeping a positive attitude is tough. The best way to keep a positive attitude during difficult times is to understand that tough times don't last forever. It is easier said than done, but here are a few steps you can take to stay positive even when everything else seems to be negative.

Step1. The old saying that "misery loves company" can sometimes be true. However, when you get in bad situations and tough times, avoid being around negative people or miserable people who can only end up making you feel worse.

Step2. Use mind over matter. This means that although things may look bad, look inside yourself and channel your thoughts to focus on positive images, visions and positive mental self talk. Instead of focusing on the problem or difficulty tell yourself that there is a solution that will overcome the problem and that solution is within me. Vision and see yourself doing what needs to be done to stay positive.

Step3. Make up a "feel good" list. This list is a personal listing of everything in your life that actually makes you feel good. For example, a walk in the park on a sunny day, smiles on your children's faces, the time you graduated from school, the promotion you received on the job or mom's homemade cooking. Look through the feel good list and do something on the list that brings a smile to your face and a positive thought to your mind.

Step4. Say powerful affirmations to keep your self esteem built up. Many times it is easy to get into negative self talk and feelings when everything is going wrong in our lives. This can cause our damage to our self esteem. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "Although this is a tough time, I am a survivor, I am strong, I will get through this, I will get past this situation in my life."

Step5. What we listen to and hear every day can affect our attitude. To keep a positive attitude, listen to upbeat music or music that is calming, like jazz or classical music. Or listen to music with positive messages and words. Take time to listen to a motivational speaker or read a book with a motivational theme message. Watch movies based on true stories that show the main character overcoming difficult times and situations.

Step6. When you look good, you feel good. Get a makeover or put on your best outfit and do something fun and exciting. You'll be surprised how a spruce up in your wardrobe and appearance can generate a positive attitude.

By Crossroads

Would you like to be able to trust your children? Most parents would answer in the affirmative. I am going to assume that you are one of these parents. The best way to raise a child who is trustworthy is to set the best example possible. Are you?

How to set the best example and raise a trustworthy child.

--Don't tell your child you or they can do something unless you mean to keep your word.

--If something happens and you can't keep your word then explain and apologize.

--Think before you promise your child anything.

--A child who learns to distrust what his parents say will grow up to be a child who you cannot trusted themselves.

--Spend time with your child getting to know what is going on in his life. Take a minute to think before you open your mouth and say something to your children.

I was helping to run a parenting course and a mother was telling us about the holiday she was planning for herself and her family. Her young son was not as excited as his mother had expected. She asked him why he wasn't. His response was, "are we really going?". When his mother asked him why he didn't think he would be having this holiday. He told her that she was always promising they would do things and most of the time it never happened. We asked her if this was true, she said when she thought about this it was true. Several times a week she would tell the children they were going to do something and then they didn't do it. Her son had learnt that she was not a person to be trusted. Till she thought about it she had not realized how often she did not keep her word.

Take time this week to notice if you keep your word to your children, partner and friends.

Maureen
The English Nanny

We can start teaching our children respect at an early age. Respect consists of three main things:

* Being kind to family and friends.
* Using good manners.
* Communicating feelings and problems.

If we want respect from our children we must first give them respect. We are our children's greatest role models. Our children will learn by the examples that we set. If we want our children to respect us as parents and others as well we must model the behavior. "Actions speak louder than words," is especially true in parenting. We must show our children that we respect them and others.

Often our body language and tone of voice portray a different message than our words. We may think that we respect our children but the way we talk is sending a different message.

When we use good manners, we are teaching our children to use good manners and respect. When asking my children to do something I usually say, "please." This shows that I respect them and am asking them not demanding that they do something. I also remind my children to say, "please" when they are asking me for something.

By communicating our feelings and encouraging our children to do the same we are teaching them to respect and have regards for others feelings. When one of my children has done something that upsets me I get down look them in the eye and tell them why I am upset. Likewise when one of my children are angry or hurt I listen to them and respect their feelings.

Respect must be earned. We show our children that we respect them by taking care of and meeting their physical needs. Providing love, affection, and support for the things that they are involved in. Respecting their privacy and the choices that they make.

Respecting your child does not mean that you allow them to do whatever they want. It does not mean that the child gets to set the rules and make the decisions. If there is mutual respect between parent and child behavioral limits will be set. Together parent and child will decide on family rules and consequences if rules are broken.

Respect truly is a two-way street. Only when we give respect to our children can we expect them to give respect to us.

By Teresa

Solat menghilangkan ketegangan dalam hidup.

Sebagaimana ketentuan Allah SWT bahawa setiap apa yang ada di dunia ini berpasangan, seperti mana siang dan malam atau lelaki dan perempuan, begitu jugalah kesenangan dan kesukaran atau rahmat dan dugaan. Kita harus menerima hakikat bahawa kehidupan manusia akan selalu diuji oleh Allah SWT.

Kita perlu meletakkan keyakinan bahawa ujian seperti tekanan kerja sebegini adalah bertujuan untuk memantapkan nilai-nilai keimanan, ketaqwaan, kesyukuran dan rasa cinta kita kepada-Nya. Apabila kita yakin, dengan izin Allah SWT, segala permasalahan yang membelenggu diri akan dirungkaikan dan akhirnya kita berjaya menghadapi tekanan dengan tenang dan berjaya. Ini selaras dengan firman Allah SWT dalam surah al-Fath ayat 4 maksudnya:

(Tuhan yang membuka jalan kemenangan itu). Dialah yang menurunkan semangat tenang tenteram ke dalam hati orang-orang yang beriman supaya mereka bertambah iman dan yakin beserta dengan iman dan keyakinan mereka yang sedia ada; pada hal Allah menguasai tentera langit dan bumi (untuk menolong mereka); dan Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana.

KAEDAH

Banyak kaedah menghadapi tekanan kerja berlandaskan ajaran Islam yang cukup berkesan untuk diamalkan.

--Pertamanya, menjaga solat fardu lima waktu dan memperbanyakkan solat sunat.

Banyak kajian pakar psikologi barat sendiri yang telah memperakukan fadilat solat dalam memberi ketenangan jiwa dan pemikiran seseorang. Menurut kesimpulan beberapa kajian sarjana barat, secara saintifiknya solat merupakan suatu tempoh masa ‘aman dan damai’ di mana seluruh tubuh dan minda seseorang terfokus kepada sesuatu (kepada Allah SWT).

Gerakan-gerakan dan keadaan minda dalam solat berupaya menghalang pengaliran keluar hormon-hormon seperti Cortisol, Epinephrine dan Norepinephrine daripada kelenjar adrenalin yang bertindak balas terhadap sebarang tekanan. Solat turut membantu memberi intervensi positif terhadap sistem pernafasan, aliran oksigen dalam badan, degupan jantung, dan gelombang otak.

Daripada konteks Islam, dengan mendirikan solat fardu lima waktu dan dilengkapkan dengan amalan solat-solat sunat yang pelbagai, seseorang itu akan diberikan pertolongan oleh Allah SWT dalam sebarang kesukaran seperti mana firman Allah SWT dalam surah al-Baqarah ayat 153 maksudnya:

Wahai sekalian orang-orang yang beriman! Mintalah pertolongan dengan bersabar dan dengan (mengerjakan) sembahyang; kerana sesungguhnya Allah menyertai (menolong) orang-orang yang sabar.

--Keduanya dengan amalan berzikir seperti bertakbir, bertahmid, bertasbih dan sebagainya merupakan amalan yang mampu menenangkan jiwa sebagaimana jaminan Allah SWT dalam surah ar-Ra’d ayat 28 maksudnya:

(Iaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan tenang tenteram hati mereka dengan zikrullah”. Ketahuilah dengan “zikrullah” itu, tenang tenteramlah hati manusia.

--Ketiganya, mengamalkan mendengar, membaca dan menghayati akan tafsir al-Quran. Diriwayatkan bahawa Rasulullah SAW pernah bersabda bahawa, ‘al-Quran adalah penawar kepada kesakitan minda’ (riwayat Bukhari).

Membaca al-Quran sendiri memberikan ketenangan kepada pembaca malah kepada sesiapa yang mendengar bacaannya apatah lagi jika ayat-ayat Allah itu difahami, dihayati dan dijadikan panduan dalam kehidupan. Ini adalah kerana al-Quran (dan al-hadith) merupakan sumber teragung dalam merungkaikan segala permasalahan manusia.

--Keempatnya, meletakkan keyakinan bahawa kehidupan dunia ini adalah sementara dan akhirat jua tempat yang kekal selama-lamanya.

Dengan cara ini, jiwa akan terasuh untuk menyedari bahawa apa sahaja yang berlaku di dunia ini baik ia bersifat positif ataupun negatif adalah sekadar ‘warna kehidupan dunia yang tidak kekal lama’ dan akan mendapat balasan yang setimpalnya di akhirat kelak.

Tekanan yang dihadapi di tempat kerja akan menjadi sesuatu yang terlalu kerdil jika dibandingkan dengan apa yang akan dihadapi di Padang Mahsyar kelak. Diri kita akan sentiasa takutkan azab api neraka dan berusaha mencari keredhaan-Nya dan dimasukkan ke dalam syurga.

--Kelimanya, dengan amalan berdoa, memohon keampunan dan menyerahkan segala apa yang telah diusahakan bagi mengatasi tekanan diri untuk ketentuan-Nya. Allah SWT berfirman dalam surah al-Ghaafir ayat 60 bermaksud:

Dan Tuhan kamu berfirman: “Berdoalah kamu kepadaKu nescaya Aku perkenankan doa permohonan kamu. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang sombong takbur daripada beribadat dan berdoa kepadaKu, akan masuk neraka Jahanam dalam keadaan hina.”

Jika diri kita telah bersungguh-sungguh cuba mengatasi tekanan, mengikut saluran dan kaedah yang tepat, maka kita juga perlu bersifat tawakkal dan ikhlas menerima segala ketentuan-Nya.

Kesimpulannya, walau sebesar manapun masalah atau kesukaran yang menyumbang kepada tekanan di tempat kerja, kita perlu sedar bahawa ianya boleh dihadapi dengan jayanya jika tindak-tanduk kita menepati syariat Islam. Firman Allah SWT dalam surah al-Fajr, ayat 27-30 yang bermaksud:

Wahai orang yang mempunyai jiwa yang sentiasa tenang tetap dengan kepercayaan dan bawaan baiknya. Kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu dengan keadaan engkau berpuas hati (dengan segala nikmat yang diberikan) lagi diredai (di sisi Tuhanmu). Serta masuklah engkau dalam kumpulan hamba-hambaku yang berbahagia. Dan masuklah ke dalam Syurgaku.

Jika hati dan pemikiran kita sentiasa bersandarkan kepada sifat tawaduk, yakin dan syukur kepada Allah SWT, maka diri kita akan diberikan petunjuk dan hidayah-Nya dalam menangani segala tekanan tersebut.

Too often we get caught up in the doom and gloom of those around us. Have you ever noticed how you can be in a perfectly good mood and BAM - all of a sudden someone comes into your space who’s grumpy, irritable or mean spirited and all of a sudden your good mood has vanished? It can truly wreck your day if you’re not on top of your game.

We forget, however, that this phenomenon can just as easily work the opposite way. If we’re in a bad space and someone meets us with loving kindness, it can turn our day around. Whether that someone is a stranger, child, partner or friend is irrelevant. The power is in the act.

When we give love and kindness, it comes back to us tenfold. Giving often feels as good — if not better than — receiving. One kind act can change a person’s day. It can also change your own. When we take the time to get out of our angry position, overwhelmed state or our stubborn adherence to an unflattering view of our partner, we leave room for kindness. When we let go of the negativity — even for a moment — we breathe life and hope back into our relationship.

Dare to let go of your anger and lead with love whenever possible. There will be plenty of time when anger will be warranted.. and when it’s not, be sure to fill the space with loving kindness. Too often we allow our anger to fill up a room yet keep our joy, love and laughter in a tight gripped jar.

Open the jar. Go out of your way to spread kindness, love and joy throughout your relationships. Don’t ignore what you need to address... AND don’t ignore what you need to be thankful for. Consciously do kind acts and set in motion a ripple effect of kindness throughout your relationships.

CHALLENGE: Pay attention to the impact you have on others. For the next week go out of your way to do kind acts to those you care about and ask them to PAY IT FORWARD by doing kind acts to others. Sit back and watch the ripple.

All things in life are temporary.

If they’re going well, enjoy.
They won’t last forever.

If they go wrong, don’t worry.
They can’t last long either!

What is nice about life is that each day is never like the other. Enjoy life and throw all your troubles away.

I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.” When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”

I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking. I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children. Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home. Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is. Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would. They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him. They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.

The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem. If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role. The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear. Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships. It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.

We are no longer living in the 1950s, when women were pigeon-holed into a certain role. Women now have the freedom to choose. With that freedom however, comes the responsibility of taking full ownership of your actions and life. Having the freedom to choose your fate is one thing; finding the courage to act on that freedom is another. If you want to move from being a housewife to being a partner it requires the clarity of knowing what you want and the courage to act on that choice.

Being a partner versus housewife is not about how much work you do or don’t do in the home, it’s about how you make that decision. If your role in the home is determined by default rather than choice, the role takes you back several decades. If your role in the home is the result of choices you make, you take on this role as an equal partner empowered to choose.

NOTE: Regardless of what choice you make, discussing these choices rather than making a unilateral decision is another characteristic of being a partner. It is no more okay for women to unilaterally determine what will and will not happen than it is for men. When decisions impact others, they need to be made with those others as teammates, with each person having an equal say.

CHALLENGE: If you’re running around trying to be superwoman to everyone because you think that is what everyone expects of you—slow down. Take a moment to decide what you want for you. Once you have clarity, have the courage to stand up for your choices with a calm, powerful strength.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.- Mariann Williamson

Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad. I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t BRAG, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us. What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me. And—it’s not being a good friend.

The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women. At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining. I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her. She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life. It was inspiring on many levels.

I felt very fortunate to have a friend who was willing to share what was really happening in her life rather than trying to co-commiserate in an effort to connect. Her courage to share the good felt like a gift; I knew she trusted that I could rejoice in her successes without needing her to wallow in mine. It was such an eye opening experience of what Mariann Williamson was talking about when she wrote:

“…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

When others around us feel bad about themselves and/or their accomplishments in response to our successes and joys—it’s about them, not about us. When those around you are strong, grounded, healthy people, they will rejoice with you in your successes. You will not need to make yourself small so they feel okay, nor would they want you to. We do not need to throw ourselves under the bus in order to protect the psyches of those around us. Instead, we need to step up and allow our own light to shine and perhaps be a beacon in the darkness for them.

Playing small, minimizing our successes and/or throwing ourselves under the bus sounds like the following:

• Someone asks you about the new house you bought and you respond by saying that you did move into a new house, but it was only because you got such a great deal on it. You tell them that you never could’ve managed to buy without the deal.

• When a friend talks to you about how you own your own business and they can’t even find a job, you say, “Yes I own my own business, but it’s only because my parents passed it down to me. It’s not like I built my own business from scratch.”

• As you sit with your friends, who are all talking about how unhappy they are in their relationships, you stay silent. You don’t want to talk about how much you enjoy your relationship because that would make them feel even worse.

• You just got offered a great promotion and you try to downplay it to your partner because your partner’s facing a possible layoff. You don’t want your partner to feel bad.

There are endless ways that we play small so others don’t feel insecure around us. Every single way we play small is wrong. Playing small does not serve us or those around us. There is a difference between being arrogant and rubbing other people’s noses in our successes and simply sharing them with joy and excitement. It’s important to remember that, “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Regardless of whether you are a man, woman or child, stop playing small by minimizing your successes or being silent about your accomplishments. Be proud, excited and comfortable with your accomplishments. Your true friends will rejoice with you.

CHALLENGE: Are you playing small so others don’t feel bad? If so, stop it. Pay attention to all the ways you minimize your successes and downplay your accomplishments. Start with one friend and share your successes. If they respond with jealousy, talk with them about their reaction—and keep an eye on your reaction.